“I Am Strong But I Am Tired”

Here’s a passage from my journal on a particularly heinous week of hustle and failure.  Sometimes the negative severely out weighs the positive but I always try to reach for a good realization to move through a negative time.

I feel like a piece of SHIT!   Professionally. Personally. Musically.  It feels like I have absolutely nothing real and valuable to offer anyone.  This week has been a negative and I have struggled to find the positive.  Between illness and fitness activities, trying to perfectly balance relationship, mom life and work life both in performance and music education and financial building, not to mention a social life and impending vacation,  I feel like I have dropped EVERY ball possible. 

I AM OVERWHELMED!!

These are the weeks you are supposed to dig deep and reach for the positive.  Well, right now I have zero fucks to give.  I have expended all energy and focus possible and I am left but one choice.  LET. IT. FALL! 

Failure is almost the worst thing I can usually imagine.  It SUCKS!  Even when it is just temporary or surface based. It hits the ego like a wrecking ball!  Spiraling my thoughts into the all too familiar negative self talk that tries to stuff me back in my box of perceived unworthiness and plainness.

I can hear the words of my mother telling me not to share too much of my gifts around my friends because they will resent me in high school or that all the negative things are happening because I’m not doing all the “good” things I’m supposed to. There’s never enough support just judgment and short sighted advice.  Self pity.  “Why am I being punished? I will always be week and damaged” These are not new voices. They are the same negative self talk I have known most of my life.  These are my inner critics that sometimes drown out all the self realization and self confidence I have earned.

From my perspective at this moment, there is not a positive to be seen, just failure and struggle, so I will do my best to reach for positive that might come from all the negative past my plane of vision.

 Maybe the things that I am letting go of or failing will be the best kind of sacrifice.  Maybe they will leave me with the time I want to spend expanding and bringing my passion into focus.  Maybe it will lead to the next piece to my success puzzle. Maybe it will lead me to amazing places that I would never have thought of.

Inevitably there will be times of lowness. Times when your self worth will falter or when you will feel the sting of criticism and failure.  Times when you don’t pay attention to your personal limits and boundaries and neglect your self-care. You will be tempted to give in and give up because it seems easier and less vulnerable.

Normalize and realize the short term nature of these times of strain and fatigue to help you keep perspective. Don’t push them away or pretend it’s not there.  Give yourself 5 minutes or even an hour (sometimes a day lol)  to fully feel all the harshness and be angry or hurt. Let it wash over you and have the attention it is pushing for and then let it go through meditation, prayer, a workout or a hot bath with a glass of wine.  Whatever helps you to move past it a little so you can gain some perspective.

You are carrying something that has gotten too heavy and has depleted your strength.

Have you ever tried to hold something over your head indefinitely?  Even the lightest of objects will become heavy if held above your head for an extended period of time.  It is an impossible expectation and completely unnecessary!  Now is the time for you to utilize your AMAZING capacity for compassion and empathy and pour it all onto yourself.  Let whatever you are holding up in the air that is taking all of your strength FALL. Release it to the floor and be kind to yourself while you release this important thing to the ground. 

Be that support you have always dreamed of and give yourself permission to rest without the weight of it for a time.  It doesn’t mean you won’t be able to pick it back up or that you have failed.  It only means that you are giving yourself the care and space that is needed to regain your strength and live to fight another day.

You are STILL worthy, strong, capable and deserving of following your passion and continuing on your journey of self realization. But for now…Rest.

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